Archive for the ‘Complaints Department’ Category
Protected: Expanding.
Friday, July 23rd, 2010A License to Kill
Sunday, January 10th, 2010Told ‘ya I’d blog more.
Today’s complaint: the new Ohio license plates. I recently got a new truck, and subsequently got a new license plate.
As you can see, Ohio’s never really had a great looking plate, but it’s always done it’s job, without a lot of flash and without standing out. Kinda like most Ohioans. Pre-1996, it was a simple utilitarian blue on white. After that, we had the dark blue on tan gradient, which was a bit more visually pleasing. Personally, I’d get one of those if they were still available. Then the state’s bicentennial coincided with a couple terrorist attacks and wars, so we got the post-9/11-proud-to-be-American-support-our-troops patriot plate. Hooray for jingoistic pride. A subtle change in 2004 added the blue sun in the background (two by two, hands of blue…) and a little cleaner border.
Now, I’m by no means a flag-waving ultranationalist, but I could put up with a red white and blue plate. But I wasn’t so lucky. As of about Thanksgiving last year, the new “Beautiful Ohio” plates began being issued, unbearably brightening up every vehicle unfortunate enough to need new registration:
I’ll give you a minute for your eyes to adjust… Ok. I’ll agree the plates needed a face-lift, but forcing us to adorn our vehicles with this saccharine scene of surreal serenity is practically torture. I’m as confident in my masculenity as the next guy (although, I never wear pink, I’ve made a concerted effort to avoid owning anything phallic, and you’ll never get me to admit to liking Owl City), but this makes me feel more than a little effeminite. All this plate needs are some teletubbies bounding over the hill.
I know I shouldn’t criticize without offering a few good suggestions, so for the sake of un-fruityfying the automobiles of Ohio, and more accurately portraying our fair state, here are my suggestions for for the next wave of Ohio license plates (BMV administrators in my audience, take note):
This first plate shows a bustling factory in Youngstown and represents Ohio’s booming manufacturing sector.
This plate shows one of our state’s modern housing districts. These high-end houses are a common sight thanks to our state’s constantly growing economy and thriving job market.
And lastly, this plate shows a group of classy, intelligent young women hard at work studying at one of our state’s premier educational institutions. The future of Ohio is looking bright indeed.
I’m not dead
Friday, July 3rd, 2009…but you wouldn’t know it by looking. No worries, though; I’ve just been outside of free wifi range for a few weeks.
Anywho, the new job. Remember when I said “mission cleared?” Remember how I said I was waiting for something horrible to happen?
I hate always being right.
First week: Meh, ok… As stressful as any new job I guess. One of four designers in the department, including another new hire who started a week before me. Trying to learn the system, etc…
Second week: The Perfect Shitstorm. The senior designer and the second in command don’t show up Monday morning. Newbie 2 and I are a bit concerned, but thinking maybe they’re just hungover or something. A few hours in, Senior designer shows up, walks past us to the boss, chats with him for a while, then comes out and tells us he’s quitting and going freelance. Before leaving, he also tells us the second in command has left to live a nomadic life in South Dakota. At that point, the entire design department had a combined 3 weeks of experience with the company.
BWA HA HA HA HA I KNEW IT
Since then we’ve been treading water, trying not to drown in the never ending pile of tasks neither of us really know how to do, trying to communicate with unresponsive licensors, trying decipher the broken English of foreign vendors, and overall trying to clean up the mess left behind when the upper half of the design department disappeared.
Third Week: The pieces of this mess are stating to fit back together, but the more I see, the more I expect an even worse shitstorm when the company gets sued. I don’t know who might be reading this, so I won’t go into it, but I know it’ll happen eventually.
Taking this last item into consideration, I will reopen the case files of Operation Eternal Puma, and work on completing their original objectives. I may need to keep a resume handy…
I’m also exploring another option. Professional writing. If you’re not daunted by a little TL;DR, go check out the first couple parts of “The Gardner File: The True Story of the North Pointe Incident” I’ve posted on my deviantart. Critique is welcome.
My apartment is an unbelievable fire hazard…
Monday, March 3rd, 2008When I said my furniture was made of cardboard, I thought I was exaggerating. That was, until I kick the leg of my coffee table for the thousandth time and it rips off to reveal this:
Holy shit. I thought it was at worst pressed sawdust. Turns out it’s honeycombed cardboard. I swear, things these days are built just sturdy enough so they don’t collapse under their own weight. Anything more isn’t cost effective.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a coffee table for $25 at Wal-Mart…