A License to Kill

Told ‘ya I’d blog more.

Today’s complaint: the new Ohio license plates. I recently got a new truck, and subsequently got a new license plate.

As you can see, Ohio’s never really had a great looking plate, but it’s always done it’s job, without a lot of flash and without standing out. Kinda like most Ohioans. Pre-1996, it was a simple utilitarian blue on white. After that, we had the dark blue on tan gradient, which was a bit more visually pleasing. Personally, I’d get one of those if they were still available. Then the state’s bicentennial coincided with a couple terrorist attacks and wars, so we got the post-9/11-proud-to-be-American-support-our-troops patriot plate. Hooray for jingoistic pride. A subtle change in 2004 added the blue sun in the background (two by two, hands of blue…) and a little cleaner border.

Now, I’m by no means a flag-waving ultranationalist, but I could put up with a red white and blue plate. But I wasn’t so lucky. As of about Thanksgiving last year, the new “Beautiful Ohio” plates began being issued, unbearably brightening up every vehicle unfortunate enough to need new registration:

I’ll give you a minute for your eyes to adjust… Ok. I’ll agree the plates needed a face-lift, but forcing us to adorn our vehicles with this saccharine scene of surreal serenity is practically torture. I’m as confident in my masculenity as the next guy (although, I never wear pink, I’ve made a concerted effort to avoid owning anything phallic, and you’ll never get me to admit to liking Owl City), but this makes me feel more than a little effeminite. All this plate needs are some teletubbies bounding over the hill.

I know I shouldn’t criticize without offering a few good suggestions, so for the sake of un-fruityfying the automobiles of Ohio, and more accurately portraying our fair state, here are my suggestions for for the next wave of Ohio license plates (BMV administrators in my audience, take note):

This first plate shows a bustling factory in Youngstown and represents Ohio’s booming manufacturing sector.

This plate shows one of our state’s modern housing districts. These high-end houses are a common sight thanks to our state’s constantly growing economy and thriving job market.

And lastly, this plate shows a group of classy, intelligent young women hard at work studying at one of our state’s premier educational institutions. The future of Ohio is looking bright indeed.



Looks like I’m dead. The blame for this one goes to Victor Juliet (AKA Matthew Auslander). He’s destined to go down as the Ed Wood of the 21st century.


End of the year, and a recipe

It’s starting to get dangerously close to 2008… Having taken my philosophy final this morning, today marks my last day of doing anything for classes this semester. I’m pretty well set for next for next semester, all I have to do is finalize my internship stuff. As of now, I am planning to work as the official graphic artist/webmaster/PR/advertising/etc… guy for my church for a few months. They really need a reworking of their corporate image.

But, as the year draws to a close, I a reminded of the new years resolutions I made last year, and how I failed miserably at all of them. So anyways, here’s my rough list of things I want to accomplish next year:

  • Exercise daily. Exercise more often. Exercise occasionally (I’m being realistic. Anything more than nothing is more than I do now)
  • Eat better (Pop-tarts and candy bars do not a balanced diet make.)
  • Lose some weight, gain some muscle (related to the first two.)
  • Get a new job (This one is a definite need, as I’ll be intelligible to be a student employee once I graduate in May.)
  • Move out of my parents house (This is also a need; If I don’t move out before May, I fully expect my parents to change the locks during the graduation ceremony)
  • Finish something I’ve started (I’ve got so many unwritten books, comics, screenplays, and video games in my head, it’s disappointing that none of them are out yet.)
  • Pay off Adrianna’s ring and my credit card (Interest rates are a killer.)
  • Improve organizational skills (My room looks like a flea market threw up in here)

I should put “get off of caffeine” on the list, but I’m going to just file that under “to consider after I don’t heve to wake up at 3:00 AM every day”.


On a completely unrelated note, I’m going to share with you a recipe for a great dish I like to enjoy on occasion:

Cheezy Wieners

What you will need to prepare this recipe:

  • Two (2) Hot Dog Franks
  • Two (2) Hot Dog Buns
  • Two (2) Slices of American Cheese
  • A plate
  • A Microwave Oven

To start, remove the hot dogs from their package, remembering to let the excess grease drip off of each frank before placing them on the plate.

Place the plate with the franks in your microwave and cook on high for 32 seconds. Cooking times with microwave ovens vary from model to model, so you may want to experiment to find out what time works best for you. When they come out, they should be warm, but not hot to the touch.

While the hot dogs are cooking, you can use this time to prepare the buns. I chose Kroger brand rich’n'honey buns, because they add a sweet flavor to the recipe which you don’t find with regular buns. Remove the buns from their package, separate and open them to be ready for the franks.

It’s always best to use the freshest buns possible; no more than 3 weeks past the expiration date is preferable.

After the hot dogs are heated, insert the franks into the buns, and place them back on the plate with the hinged side of the bun down. If your buns seem to be falling apart, you can rest the bottom sides of the buns against each other for support. Set the plate aside for the moment.

Unwrap the cheese slices and break each of them in half. Take one of these halves and break it in half again so you have three half-slices and two quarter-slices.

Lay two of the half-slices and the two quarter slices on the buns, covering the franks. Feel free to eat the extra half-slice now, or place it in a ziplock bag for later use.

Insert the plate into the microwave oven and cook on high for 30 seconds. This finishes cooking the hot dogs, melts the cheese, and softens the buns.

When all this is finished, serve with a chilled Mountain Dew, and your guests will have a delicious meal that they won’t soon forget. Bon Appétit!


You smell like beef and cheese! You don’t smell like Santa.

My family complains that I always ask for too much stuff for Christmas. “There’s just a lot that I want,” I tell them. It’s not my fault; I’m just very materialistic. Anyways, I think I should pare down my list to be a bit more manageable, so here’s just a few of the things I want for Christmas ’07:

  • Cash
  • DVDs are good, but since I have a ton it’s better to give a gift card so you don’t get me one I already have.
  • A Playstation 3
  • This or this or this shirt
  • A loyal army to do my bidding (Ninjas preferably, but robots are fine, too)
  • A week at a spa/holistic therapy clinic (Massages = good)
  • Cash
  • Video games – Some good ideas: Super Mario Galaxy, Metroid Prime 3: Echoes, or the Orange Box for PC
  • A 650-2600mm Telephoto lens for my Canon EOS Digital Rebel XT camera (Sports photography… Yeah, that’s it…)
  • A Kaya Optics 58mm PF4 Filter (for Agricultural Pollution Monitoring and Document inspection only, of course…)
  • A million paveviews on deviantART, and people buying my prints
  • Majority shareholdership in the Walt Disney Company (Who’s ready for some legitimate Little Mermaid hentai?)
  • A Digital Camcorder
  • Forged (but believable) records that say I am the rightful heir to the British crown.
  • A Flux Capacitor, a Mr. Fusion portable generator, and a car capable of traveling over 88 MPH (mine can’t)
  • Cash (or a gift card)
  • A one-week vacation to Japan to spend the holidays with Adrianna.
  • A Kawasaki Ninja ZX-14 (Black)
  • Superpowers (Super strength and invulnerability foremost, but super-speed and flight would be cool too)
  • More ram for my computer (Or just a new computer)
  • A publishing contract with a decent advance so I can focus on my books and comics
  • A Mitsubishi 73″ 1080p DLP HDTV
  • Maybe some people skills? Nah, just give me that TV.
  • Cash
  • The Boston Red Sox (To be renamed to the Boston Robert Sox)
  • A genetics research and cloning laboratory
  • DNA samples from Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba, Natalie Portman, etc…
  • Property in Nevada, and a license to open a brothel (These last three kinda go together)
  • A harrier jet or or F-35 (VTOL kicks ass)
  • The world’s rarest truffle (chocolate, not fungus)
  • Cash (maybe some in Euros, since the dollar is falling so much…)
  • A new laptop (Dell XPS, maybe?)
  • A spacious one-bedroom apartment close to campus for less than $300/month. (Yeah, right… compared to this, the Ninja Army sounds almost plausible)
  • A lifetime supply of Mountain Dew (3 can per day X 80 years = 29,220 cans)
  • Laser-eye surgery (not corrective; I want Laser-Eyes)
  • Cash

If I could pick just one though, I’d go for the Japanese vacation… I miss Adrianna… The genetics lab is a close second.

But then again, gift cards are always good. Or cash.


A Joke to Lighten the Mood

Sorry, that last post was rather depressing wasn’t it… How about a joke?

Here’s an old one that’s still funny:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”